I should know better

I should be posting pictures of cute tiny puppies. But my girl missed. Nothing but a little milk and a bright smile.

Because of these expectations I am not at either of the shows on today. No doubt the phone will ring with the story of how Marcus did at the big English one, and with all the scandals of the Scottish one.

Meanwhile I am in the garden.

I have very definite views on my Ideal Garden. It`s main features are a Head Gardener, several Under Gardeners, and a Gardener`s Lad. What`s actually growing in it is a lot less important.

What I have is enormous. It was carved out of a field by an ambitious civil engineer who once heard his wife remark that rockeries were nice. She was presented with a hundred yard square monstrosity, complete with pond and weeping willlow, little steps that go nowhere, lots of dwarf conifers and a pumped waterfall. I understand that it was under control for exactly six months, and did not exactly improve the marriage.

That was exactly fifty years ago.

Now the pond is dry because the willow roots cracked it. The willow itself stands proud at 35 feet, and the rest has gradually become an impenetrable arboretum. I confess that I don`t know precisely what`s in there…… The conifers make an excellent windbreak, at between twelve and twenty feet. (There is no such thing as a dwarf conifer, folks, just one that`s biding its time.) I struggle to prevent the whole thing being taken over by brambles while the dogs hunt small creatures through the jungly undergrowth.

They say one is nearer to God in a garden. Certainly one takes His name in vain a lot more there.

Then there`s the other problem. Gardening with Papillons.

There are rules about gardening with Papillons.

Rule 1 – Never let them see any changes you make in the garden. A Papillon always helps. Usually this help is offered when you are well out of the way. A former handler of mine was once presented with 150 daffodil bulbs by an ecstatic muddy small dog who had worked hard to fetch in all the treasure she had buried.

Rule 2 – Anything remotely edible must be raised at least five feet. All my hostas live in pots on stilts.

Rule 3 – Be on watch for epidemics of Mass Digging, which may break out at a moment`s notice.

Rule 4 – If they can`t eat it or dig it up they can do other things to it. In my last house I inherited a row of low-growing red roses. My two male dogs watered these devotedly and soon I had red roses with broad purple streaks on the petals. These were greatly admired locally and I had to make up a cover story about a rare and unusual variety.

Rule 5 – Expect the unexpected. I have two identical hortensias in pots and this year one was very stunted. It looked almost squashed. It took some time to discover the truth. Florian was regularly sittting in it. It may never recover.

But Florian looks quite nice in a pot.