I should know better

I`m on the hunt for a criminal The one who is habitually piddling on the seat of my favourite chair. (yes it`s washable – and fortunately so are my clothes, as I don`t tend to see it until it`s too late).

Ranting and raving just produces an array of bright, innocent expressions and wagging tails. Papillons don`t do shame. They are very aware of right and wrong –it doesn`t affect what they do, but makes them damned determined not to be found out.. I may never get to the bottom (excuse the expression) of this.

They can do embarrassment. Years ago I had a little Papillon dog who lost his hair due to a hormonal problem. I have years of experience living with naturally hairless Chines Crested dogs, so I produced a knitted coat of suitable size and popped it on him. ( I seem to remember it was striped in fluorescent pink and green. I can`t imagine why they keep remaindering these fine vibrant colours, and selling them off so cheaply……).

The little man was appalled. He kept trying to look at himself. The tail went right down. You could see what he was thinking - :

“If the other males see me like this they`ll kill me”

And then, as the true horror sank in –

“If the bitches see me like this I`ll kill myself!”

He scooted off and tried in vain to hide his tiny glowing, brilliantly striped body behind a bush I had to drag him out and remove the coat.. End of experiment.

But some dogs have a powerful sense of what is right. I used to have a Chines Crested bitch called Bella.. Bella was housetrained to a fault. She was totally clean in the house. You could rely on her.

Her previous owners went out one day, just for a couple of hours. They left Bella with the freedom of the house. You could rely on Bella.

But, far from home, the big end went. Dead car. Hours to wait for a tow.

Poor Bella. I can imagine her, crossing all four legs. Mustn`t do it on the carpet. Never on the carpet. Bad girls do it on the carpet...

Eventually her anxious owners got home. And they discovered Bella had been true to her training. She hadn`t done it on the carpet.

They had a fine old table, veneered with lots of exotic wood inlays.. Bella had jumped up there and done it. Several times. Already the inlays were curling away from the soaked wood.. The table was ruined. But the carpet was pristine. Bella was positively smug , secure in the knowledge that she had been a Good Girl.

I pointed out that Bella had merely applied the legendary logic of the Old Man From Darjeeling. (Not the Young Girl – I don`t do that sort of limerick)

They pointed out that Bella was for sale.

So here she came.