I should know better

I normally breed two litters a year. Since Papillons officially average litters of 2.7 offspring, you can see that I am not usually up to my knees in puppies.

One of my girls decided to up the average. She went out and got herself mated, and is now happily and comfortably pregnant.

Now, "comfortable" is perhaps a little inadequate to describe Sonja. She was originally called Red Sonja, after the svelte warrior lady of the comics. Alas, Sonja has never managed svelte. I think the word we are searching for here is "ample". A friend in the breed once looked at her and snorted:

"Red Sonja? More like Red Sofa!"

Add to this a pregnancy and you have to imagine something like the Hindenburg with fur. (And a very smug expression).

Well, worried by her size, I booked her in for a scan at the vet`s. I had a notion that 2.7 meant little to her and was a bit anxious.

On the appointed morning I woke up to snow. No chance of a taxi, then. I set off, clutching the enormous Sonja in a well-padded dog carrier, up the mile of steep road, the snow getting thicker all the time and my shoulder screaming under the weight. Eventually a bus loomed out of the blizzard, full of people imbued by the old spirit of the blitz - we`re all in this together. They helped to heave Sonja on, speculating happily as to whether we would make it up the hill, and how we would all get home. We skidded and lurched on through the snow - no the council had made no effert whatsoever, as usual.

At the vet`s at last, the bad news. Red Sofa is not planning the biggest litter ever - just 4. Instead she is harbouring the biggest puppy ever - well over twice the normal size and with no hope of getting out naturally. The phrase "elective caesarian" came up, and my heart sank.

The vet`s bill blights my life. Other people worry about maxing out their plastic - my heart sinks as the monthly account for injections and operations comes thudding through the letterbox. The dogs get whatever they need, but it`s hard going. Every time the vet sees me, what he is really looking at is his early retirement and a villa in Spain. All of you out there with families - make your children vets. They will never know want, and will keep you in luxury in your old age.........

Aanyway, I collected Sonja, very aggrieved at having been shaved and smeared with gel, and struggled home through the drifts to see to her sister, safe in the nest with two puppies - planned ones.

"Why can`t you be like her - sensible?"

Red Sofa grinned at me and wagged her tail.

She has her own plans.