I should know better

They seem to congregate at certain times of day. Lost men in Tesco. They wander with dragging feet, staring at the shelves like the legendary fish who has just been presented with a bicycle.

I found one on Tuesday, gazing blankly at the deodorants. "Awww Jesus!" he sighed.

"Come on - it can`t be that bad?"

He glared at me.

"I`m in Tesco with a shopping list. How bad can it get?"

I met one once who presented me with the list.

"I just can`t quite read the last one."

"Meringue nests", I read out.

His face sagged. "Aye, that`s what I thought it said." I could see the words "I didn`t know meringues made them" hovering on the tip of his tongue.....but he didn`t quite dare.

I told him he needed the baking department and his face lit up .

"Aw, it`s a CAKE!" he cried with relief.

"Well no, not exactly. You need to find the baking ingredients."

Blank stare.

"With the flour and baking powder and so on."

He was appalled. This was just as much Women`s Stuff as lipstick and tights. Forbidden, taboo.

"I`m no goin` there. " Inspiration struck. "I`ll tell her they`d run oot."

And he headed off, out into the real male world, where the only things that make nests are pigeons.