I should know better

Quite a wedding.

I arived at the very expensive venue, and a friend and I headed for the loo. No sooner had my bum hit the plastic than the lights flashed and sirens went off....

Now, I have heard of loos like this in Japan. When you sit down they measure your BP, weight, height, cholesterol, BMI, credit rating, and give you a readout that includes your starsign and job prospects. But this was Scotland. Could it be that I was the millionth visitor to sit on it...? Was there a prize?

No, it was a fire alarm. We struggled out, with the whole wedding party and watched the fire engines scream up.

After that I thought the actual wedding would perhaps be an anticlimax.

Until the bride`s mother arrived. She had indeed done the Hat Thing. Many birds had perished to produce it. It was vast, and sturdy enough to repel wasps, cruise missiles and low flying aircraft.

But of course it was the bride`s day. She had wanted to make a statement. She did.

Brides gt married in white, in ivory, in pastels.

Not too many get married in scarlet.

There were gasps from the groom`s relatives. Few were in doubt as to what the statement was.

Knowing the bride, they were probably quite right.