I should know better

I had a phone call from the RSPB, mainly to clarify the tax situation on my subscription, but ending with a plea to go on feeding the birds. Why? Well evidently more and more people are thinking that the way to avoid Bird Flu is to take in the peanuts and fatballs and shoo away the tits and blackbirds.

Where`s it all going to end? Exterminate everything with feathers that isn`t being worn by Trinny and Susannah? Trapping thrushes? Shooting swans?

I live within a bird sanctuary, an overwintering site for swans, Whoopers and Bewicks mainly. I`m not planning to move, either. There is a great deal of hysterical nonsense being trumpeted about Bird flu, which hasn`t even arrived here yet, and so far doesn`t readily transfer to humans who don`t actually live with their poultry.

If it does come, and reaches domestic poultry, it`s not hard to see what will happen. We will tackle it the Blair Way. This involves. as you may remember from Foot and Mouth, slaughtering all animals which have even the remotest chance of being infected and many which haven`t, and burning them publicly in huge heaps - a sort of Wicker Man ritual to placate the nasty Bird Flu Demon.

And the result? No chickens, no chicken products in your supermarket. No eggs either, and no egg products such as cakes and mayonnaise, unless made with expensive imported egg.

And Bird Flu? Unless you habitually share your bed with Chicken Little, the most likely way for you to get it is by human contact with someone who brings a mutated version in from Asia. And that mutation may never happen.

It`s Spring. Go out, enjoy the birdsong.