I should know better

It has been very dry and cold here for a month or so. I am surrounded by a sea of very dry grass, which is a great attraction for the type of youth whose discontent we are supposed to feel guilty about. I had already run two of the workshy little buggers off the field beside the house and put out the fire they had started, then went on to training with Solitaire, suffering from smoke inhalation and smelling like a forest fire - people either gave me a wide berth or suggested gently I should be in bed for at least a week,

Then today I had hung out a washing and was busy cleaning the bathroom when an uproar arose at the gate. I went out. A horde of dogs, but no-one there. What was that rushing sound? I went up to the gate and found the whole field above the house ablaze, driven on by a strong wind. All that stood between my house and the inferno was a tasteful collection of overgrown once-dwarf conifers and brambles known optimistically as "the rockery" Have you ever seen a conifer on fire? They go up like roman candles. (I burnt a 25 foot one myself once when dealing with a wasp bike by my usual method involving two pints of white spirit and a long match - but that`s another story...)

As I dithered about calling the fire brigade - not too keen on coming here since they got an appliance stuck for 3 hours in the road (see Archive April 17 05)- two men appeared and beat it out. They said they were "looking after that field" (news to me) and that it was"a shame aboot thae hens up the top gettin` a bit charred" (definitely news to me!) and that they would be back down tonight lying in wait for the teenage perps (really good news.)

I tried to calm the dogs down. The smoke had definitely reached them. Marcus (VANITY`S MIRROR) looked more like Vanity`s Smoked Glass. My washing was kippered. I was kippered and again suffering from smoke inhalation. The dogs were in hyperdrive. The smell from the black field was truly awful (I tried not to think that some of it might be feathers).

What do you do? You go in, shut the door on it all, and have a large pot of tea.

And tomorrow I`m off on the 2am bus to another show.