I should know better

I shop at Tesco, and have found over the years that the cheapest products go down best with the dogs. My lot are addicted to Tesco Value Sausage Rolls. Shelby would like to live on them.

Due to the *no bag" policy, I take a shopping trolley of the "bag on wheels" variety. I bring it home, and the first thing out for dog treats is the sausage roll packet.

My dogs regard this trolley with awe and longing. It is obviously packed with sausage rolls. It just produces them at will like a cornucopia. Perhaps at the bottom lurk a breeding pair, huge and probably hairy, scuttling about and turning out endless litters of little sausage rolls........

The other day I dozed off in front of another scintillating evening of Beeb programming. I woke to see what appeared to be a large puddle of congealed blood over in the corner. I stared and tried to focus. What had happened? What dog had died? Obviously not the ones dancing about in here.

The puppy ran over and picked up the "puddle". It was in fact a large piece of red cellophane, just the right colour for blood. Where had he got it?

I went to the kitchen and all was revealed. At last the dogs had had a chance to get into the trolley - unlimited sausage rolls!

In fact they had been sorely disappointed. The total haul had been 3 tins of beans (toothmarked) and one very battered , sad and perforated Christmas pud. It had been wrapped in red cellophane and very thoroughly investigated.

I had bought it for a dog show raffle, just to make a change from bottles. Especially the ones you see and recognise at once as Eternal Raffle Vintage. You can recognise them by the slightly scuffed labels. People have won them, looked at them and decided "I`m not drinking THAT! It`s going in the next raffle !" And so the unwanted wine begins its travels, voyaging like the Flying Dutchman from raffle to raffle, never finding rest in a glass. There are twenty year old bottles of Hirondelle and Blue Nun out there, circulating endlessly...just look closely at the next raffle you buy a ticket for.

Fortunately the Paps had not attempted to eat the pud - I shudder to think of the after-effects of that. But I had to rush out for a replacement.....

While I was out I picked up two packets of Extra Value Sausage Rolls....