I should know better

Yes, of course I had a good Christmas. I always do. Eat too much and ignore those little family disagreements that so characterise the festive season. We had a lovely meal and then all repaired to do Afghan puppy tails - the ends are taped into a ring and then sprayed with the delightfully named Yuk (TM) to discourage chewing (often it discourages it for a whole twenty minutes...) The Afghan puppies are delightful and blissfully unaware that they are still lookng for permanent homes.

Boxing Day as usual involved a visit to my Italian relatives for an amazing ten course meal and lots of present giving and jollity. I was ferried there by my cousin, who can have strange brainstorms when it comes to buying Christmas presents. It`s as though when we hit the Christmas week his common sense announces that it`s having a seasonal holiday in Bermuda and isn`t leaving a contact number.....

This year when I got into the van I realised that he had discovered a rubber fetish. I pushed my way in through a forest of round stiff leaves. Yes, everyone was getting a four-foot rubber plant from Santa...remember, that was first on the list you left out for him?

We staggered into the house, laden with foliage. It looked like the last act of Macbeth, with Birnam wood on the move. You could see all the welcoming smiles freeze. Someone in the background muttered, "Remember the ducks?"

Ah yes, the year of the ducks. Everyone got a duck (no, NOT rubber!) Not oven ready either. Ducks au naturel, unwrapped, with feet, heads and feathers. Not even a trace of tinsel. Just try
to produce a jolly "Ho Ho HO!" as you hand that over, swinging by the legs. (No, he doesn`t hunt - heaven only knows where they came from.)

I must admit that my heart sank, as I am the world`s worst plucker - all tears and nubs. Other people, who don`t like to think their meat was ever alive, let alone had sad eyes and big yellow feet, and smelt a bit, looked pale. I could see those people this time looking a bit relieved. It could, they realised, be worse....there is no known recipe for rubber plant.

I had a seriously jolly time.

And I now have a four foot rubber plant in my very tiny bathroom.

It looks a bit nervous.

It should.