I should know better

Have you seen the new Virgin TV ad? The one where characters from famous classic films set on trains are computer superimposed on the backgound of a Virgin Pendolino? I assume the idea is to bring out the true essential romance of travel by Virgin. Many regular Virgin customers have probably laughed themselves to death already over this one...

But it`s clever, and I think there`s a little more mileage in the idea. I`m willing to lend my considerable Virgin experience to help....

MURDER ON THE ORIENT PENDOLINO

IMPOSSIBLY UPPER
CLASS LADY "Oh M. Poirot - is he dead?"
POIROT "`E is indubitably dead."
IUCL "Murdered?"
POIROT "Infinitely worse, chere madame. `E `as rashly trusted his life to
Virgin Catering"
IUCL "My God! Poisoned?"
POIROT "Ma foi! even more terrible. `E `as starved to death....."



FROM BIRMINGHAM NEW STREET WITH LOVE

IMPOSSIBLY SEXY
RUSSIAN SPY "Oh James! A SMERSH agent is on the train! He is going to use a
radio device to trigger the satellite death ray and destroy the
world!"
BOND "No problem, my dear. This is a Virgin Pendolino. You can`t
even get a mobile phone signal out, let alone that. So why don`t you
come over here, sit on my knee, and.......
ISRS "Ooooh James! It is as you decadent Westerners say - a hard
man is good to find!
BOND (aside) "Not as hard as this bloody seat!"

MONEYPENNY "Sir! A message by carrier pigeon from Commander Bond!
He says he`s going all the way on a Pendolino!
M "My God! Break out the haemorrhoid cream, Moneypenny!
For once Bond really will be shaken, not stirred!"

I await a call from Mr Branson.