I should know better

Florian is really coming on. He looks quite the adult part now, with a good coat and a bit of a swagger. And he is attracting a certain amount of interest among the young ladies - or should I say the owners of said young ladies, who have been making discreet approaches to me on their behalf……..all a bit Jane Austen at times, the dog game.

But Florian has a dark and dismal secret.

At almost a year old, he still doesn`t know How To Do It.

I have tried. I`ve introduced him to receptive girls and watched with resignation as he has attempted to climb on board at the front, the side – anywhere but the target area.

It`s difficult for a young dog. His dad can`t take him aside and mutter a few well-chosen words about what he did as a lad. He can`t swap dirty stories or mags with his mates.. He can`t call a helpline.

My usual remedy is to take the young innocent to watch a real pro at work. He is put in a secure dog box where he has a good view of the mating. He is then supposed to watch and learn. Usually it works – any thudding noises you heaar coming from the container will be the young dog kicking himself……..

I tried this with Florian. He came out of the dog box wildly excited, tongue hangiing out and eyes glazed, and subsequently barked all night. He had learned that sex is even more wonderful than he had supposed. So wonderful that he had forgotten to notice how it`s done………

At this stage I`m open to suggestions.

Answers please, on a postcard........

Any frivolous advice involving painting a target on the bitch`s bum or hanging a “welcome” or "open for business" sign on her tail will be treated with the contempt it deserves........

Florian can`t read either.