MOBY BUS
THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT
HOW GREEN WAS MY SHEPHERD
Florian, Prudence, Marcus
LEARNING CURVE
POOR BEN GUNN
DOWN TO THE SEA AGAIN
Dido posing
PACKET OF THREE
EMAIL ME .
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WHAT I`M READING...LE PAPILLON & LE PHALENE - GRAND COEURS EN PETIT TAILLE - Jean-Marie Vanbutsele
THE LAST FILM I SAW....
" PACIFIC RIM" - great fun. Gojira meets Neon Genesis Evangelion
Saga of a woman old enough to know better who lets her life be governed by the ridiculous hobby of breeding and showing dogs, musing on life, the twenty first century, Cameron and his mini-me, and the occasional sheep.
"IN DOG YEARS, I`M DEAD"
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
SEX, DOGGY STYLE
| I see that Belle de Jour has given up blogging in favour of a big publishing contract. It`s true, sex sells. I can see that it is exactly what this blog is lacking. Well, I can rectify that.
Sex is very much in the air just now. Both Demented and Roxanne the Virgin Queen are very attractive at the moment and Florian and Marcus are very excited. Young dogs have no magazines, or friendly older brother`s advice - they have to work it out for themselves. Florian has decided that what you do is to run in frantic circles round the lady of your desire, screaming as you go. (Yes, you`re right - I can`t take too much of that.) Meanwhile Marcus, with silent determination, tries to climb on at the back, fatally hampered by his lack of height. The ladies of course regard them with contempt. Canine sex is a little bit different from ours. For instance, once the happy deed is consummated, a certain part of the male swells up, and he is trapped in there (we refer to it as "tied"), possibly for as long as an hour, perhaps longer. Gentle reader, consider how a similar physical quirk could revolutionise human relationships, and indeed civilisation as we know it. (If by any chance you DO have a similar physical quirk, DON`T email me - contact your doctor, or better still, the Sun - you could land a bigger publishing deal than Belle......) In the course of a breeder`s duties, supervison of doggy nookie looms large. No, it`s not automatic. Often the lady looks at her assigned suitor and decides that an early death would be preferable. Sometimes they would both prefer to fight. (See, it`s not so different from us after all.....) In these cases the breeder has to step in and take a hand - often literally. At least I`m spared the problems of Yorkies and Poms, tiny breeds in which the male is usually much smaller than the female, and unlike Terry Pratchett`s Casanunda, hasn`t brought his ladder. Large seat cushions are much in demand, and sometimes the aspiring tiny romeo is simply picked up and clapped onto the rear of his lady love like an eager, hairy poultice. The problems I remember are not so much associated with Papillons, but with Chinese Cresteds, some of which of course are hairless. Cresteds tie for a long, long time. I remember once trying to obtain a mating between an eager male and a reluctant female - eventually she escaped outside where she at once decided that alfresco sex was quite all right, and the deed was done in the rockery. It was January. Early morning. A hard frost lay all around. I shall never forget the look on the little naked dog`s face as the glow of consummation faded and he began to lose feeling in his extremities. "Oh Shit!" doesn`t even begin to cover it. And you could hurt and even damage them if you tried to move them in that condition. But you have to do something. And that is why, when the postman arrived forty minutes later, he was mesmerised by the sight of two small dogs, joined at the rear, wearing oversized anoraks, woolly hats and mittens on all eight feet...... Almost as mesmerised as the time when he nearly crashed his little red van into the gate at the sight of a particularly frustrated male dog , having been denied all access to the females, attempting to mate the cat..... Always something different in country life. |
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