I should know better

I received one unwanted christmas gift - a bad chest infection. On Wednesday morning I just couldn`t breathe; I lifted the phone, spoke the magic word "asthma" and within an hour was at th health centre.

Now the practice I go to offers three alternatives.

1. Dr C. - memorably described by the nurses as "the prat with the glasses". Cheerful and basic. Tells you what your symptoms are, whether you agree or not - "I don`t have diarrhoea, doctor" - "Yes you do!"

2. Dr. H. - "Well you see, you`re old." I got very tired of this universal diagnosis and eventually told her one day that old age was indeed a curse and I sincerely hoped it would never happen to her. I think she got the message.

3. Dr. Doom. "It could be cancer." He is a nice lad and can actually cure things, but so far in the past four years I have had eleven fictitious cancer scares, not to mention one "this is bound to go necrotic" and two "you`ll never walk without an operation". He needs to get out more. He once had to refer me to a dermatologist and said sadly ,
"I wish I was a dermatologist. Their patients don`t die on them."

Anyway, this morning it turned out to be Dr C who grinned over the huge glasses and examined my chest. (He is incidentally the last doctor on earth who still asks you to say "ninety nine".)

In short order I had prescriptons for steroids and antibiotic.

I mentioned that I would like to get my hands on the idiot who gave me his cold.

"Yes," he said, "But for him it`s just a cold. You always have the chest problem."

He leaned across the desk.

"You see, your chest is your Achilles wooden leg."

I stayed rigid. Not even a snigger.

But in my mind was a Greek red figure vase, with Achilles neatly drawn in his full-head helmet with horse hair plume, in heroic pose with shield and spear - and wooden leg. And - why not? - a parrot. Probably screaming "Pieces of bronze!" and many a filthy hapax legomenon. Homer misses so much out, you know. Or maybe it`s just an example of a minor foot problem becoming just a tad exaggerated in legend over the centuries.

I smiled brightly.

"Of course," I replied.

I`m feeling much better now - so much that I`m going out to see the New Year in at yet another cousin`s hotel.

But before I go I`m just going to have another glance at my well-thumbed Homer..........