I should know better

Yesterday a car lurched down to the gate and two men got out. They wore those ill-fitting grey suits one immediately associates with sheriff`s officers, or heavies who assure you that you now owe Big Dave fifteen K plus interest of 300%, and they`ll be having your family allowance book, wedding ring and TV........

But no. They both had clipboards clutched firmly in their paws. Only one possibility then -

"We`re from the council. Rating and Valuation. We`re confirming that both these orchards have burned down."

Well my Neighbour From Hell did burn his house down some time ago, in order to declare himself homeless and facilitate planning permission. (I soon sorted that out. No permission for him, and the house remains a charred derelict.) But there stood my cottage, seasonal lights twinkling, a wisp of smoke from the chimney, manifestly unburned.

As one man they consulted their clipboards. then they looked at the house.

"No it says here they both burned down."

I assured them this one hadn`t.

Do you remember the scene from FORBIDDEN PLANET when Robbie the Robot is asked to harm a human and his circuits go into a tasteful pink overload and burn out? Or Arnie in TERMINATOR 3 when his programming is overridden and the effect is much the same burn out (only not tastefully pink and with Arnie it`s hard to tell the difference anyway - I met him in the sixties when I hung out briefly with a Native American bodybuilder, and he didn`t make much of an impression then, and it`s stayed that way)....

But I digress.

There they stood. Frozen by the irreconcilable conflict between the absolute Council truth on their clipboards and the evidence of their own eyes.

I didn`t fancy them as permanent gatepost ornaments.

"You`d better be going - everything`s fine here."

"It`s really not burned, then?"

I was momentarily tempted to assure them that it had, and free myself from Council Tax for ever. It`s not often you get a genuine blank slate to write on, and they didn`t come much blanker than these.

I was honest. "The house is still standing. I think you should change what you have written there."

Appalled at this levity, they turned to go - possibly the last two men on earth to have their faith in the local council suddenly destroyed.

"Do we have to reverse all the way back?"

Damn right.