I should know better

Took myself off to see the sales, and the film AUSTRALIA, in the hope of lightening the mood a bit.

The sales in Glasgow were scary. No-one was there. I went into a big department store and found that all eyes were on me...every salesperson gazing hopefully at me as I went past. Very unnerving. I got out quickly.

I headed up to my usual cineplex. This is a gloomy place, and built as a tower block to boot - it was said at the time that a huge bung was required to get the plans past fire regulations. As it is, if you are on the top floor and there is a fire, you had better have packed your parachute.

The staff are - how shall I put it? - not all that committed to the product. They study you and offer awful warnings. Maybe it`s just me and how I look. In the past I have had -

"Are you sure, because...."

"....this one is quite violent" (you obviously have a serious heart condition)
...."it has subtitles " (you are obviously illiterate)
...."it is a long one" (you are obviously incontinent)

This time it was -

......"are you aware it is three hours long?"

Clearly his opinion of my life expectancy was alarmingly poor. He was no doubt going to continue to advise me not to take out any long library books, but I moved on quickly.

And I did like the film. Apart from the scrupulously correct attitude to race problems, it belongs in the forties, a big sprawly romance owing a lot to Gone With The Wind, Red River, and The Sundowners. Very predictable in plot, but Jackmann is a nice piece of eye candy and the pace is good.

It helps to cheer me up in a hard financial winter, in which my investment income dwindles and the government informed me for Christmas that it is cutting my work pension. I have suggested to my ageing, robustly hungry pack that they should try eating grass, with no result beyond wide grins.

Florian The Climbing Dog, however, continues to try to supplement his diet with cat, and last night, with the light failing fast, he at last achieved a lifetime goal of climbing right up to one. The cat of course jumped out of the tree, right on to a very interested Shelby, and Florian promptly fell on top of both of them. Cue for a lot of screeching, spitting, barking and truly amazing Chin vocalese.

I ran around cursing them, with a torch. The cat legged it. I collared Florian and told him just what I thought of him. Shelby was running in circles, his eyes as big as saucers, so terminally excited it took the offer of three Tesco Value sausage rolls to get him in. As I removed him, the cat returned, growling, tail like a bottle brush. I was informed in no uncertain terms that only a very large meal of his favourite cat food would soothe him....

No luck on the grass diet with him either, then.....

Looks like I`m the one who`ll have to eat it.